Let's talk about the Relationship Attachment Model.
Dr. John Van Epp wrote the book, How to Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk. He talks about the ways relationships struggle and the reason why they do. In addition, he points out tell-tale signs of someone who you don't want to end up with. From being egotistical to being manipulative, he points out the signs of these individuals.
The idea that Dr. Van Epp presents, is the importance of having a balance of these 5 elements in creating an intimate relationship with someone--in becoming attached. They are: know, trust, rely (on), commit (to) and touch.
Before you jump into making out with someone, it's important to consider the dangers that it might cause if you don't know them or trust them at all.
I feel passionate about this R.A.M model. As I learned of the laws of attraction and the biological reason for why people begin to like each other, I'm even more appreciative of my parent's rules and culture in regard to these powerful emotions and aspects of human nature.
My parents had a strict No Serious Dating Until You're 18 Years Old rule. Although it was my parent's rule, my dad was the one who was, by far, most passionate about it.
I didn't really understand where it came from, but I just knew I couldn't have a boyfriend until I turned 18. I also took this to mean that I couldn't kiss a boy on the lips until I was 18. I thought that by not seriously dating someone, it had the implication of not doing the things you would regularly do when you have a boyfriend: kiss, hold hands and hold each other closely. Although my parents never specified the meaning of "boyfriend," I just assumed that's what that rule meant.
Well, you can imagine how trying this became as I turned 16 and met the boy that I knew I wanted to marry. It also didn't help that he also began to like me.
Unknowingly, but thanks to my parent's dating rule, Jacob and I began to live the R.A.M model.
We did group dates, adventure outings and all sorts for we're-just-really-good-friends-activites. We secretly knew that we had crushes on each other, but we kept our emotions civil and our intentions innocent.
I began to know him and trust him. I could predict how he would react to things and I began rely on him for companionship on group dates. He gave me rides in his car, paid for some of our dates and even opened doors for me. I went from knowing to trusting, to relying and ultimately wanting to commit to him.
Although there were times I was dying to kiss him, I knew that it would be inappropriate. Although I knew that he also liked me, I knew that it wasn't the time to become serious.
In our one and half years of "just being friends," we learned about each other. The "touch" meter was low since the extend of our physical touch was giving each other hugs. We got to know each other through conversation, experience and exposure to a variety of life happenings.
I began to know him and trust him. I could predict how he would react to things and I bega rely on him for companionship on group dates. He gave me rides in his car, paid for some of our dates and even opened doors for me. I went from knowing to trusting, to relying and ultimately wanting to commit to him.
On June 16, 2015, 18 days after my 18 birthday party, we officially became official boyfriend and girlfriend. That night, I had my first kiss.
Not to speed up the story, but we fell in love. We appreciated the opportunity to kiss, to hold hands and hold each other tightly. We did things, for the most part, sequentially to what the R.A.M suggests.
Our attachment began as two friends getting to know each other. It built from there. We knew who the other person was as we committed to each other. The physical stuff was the cherry on top.
I'm grateful that I get to share this story to our future children. I can't wait to tell them the story of how Jacob, their father, never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to. I can't wait to share with them the magic that happens when you wait patiently for that first kiss. I can't wait to share with them the beauty of making a friendship first, to the person you'll marry.
Although the R.A.M. might be restraining, because it is, it's a higher standard of dating and of living that requires discipline.
I'm grateful that I get to share this story with our future children. I can't wait to tell them the story of how Jacob never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to. I can't wait to share with them the magic that happens when you wait patiently for that first kiss. I can't wait to share with them the beauty of making a friendship first, to the person you'll marry.
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